I think to myself.... what a wonderful world

So yesterday I got to look at the actual report of my scans from last week. The bone scan showed metastases all over my spine from areas in the cervical and thoracic spine and throughout the lumbar spine. The report says the L3 vertebrae is at risk for "pathological compression fracture." Hmmm. I'm guessing that, if it fractured, I'd be looking at not being able to walk or something. Not a good option. Anyway, I had a radiation planning session yesterday, a simulation tomorrow, and should start treatment on the lumbo-sacral region this week. They're not going to radiate all the areas where there's cancer because they can't. That means the cancer will remain in other problem areas, particularly the thoracic spine. But I can do that later. The main thing is preventing the scary possibility of fracture of the L3 and compression on the spinal fluid with all the other problems that could bring. My imagination does not even want to consider that too much....

Geoff is nervous, my friends are nervous about this latest turn of events. I was alarmed by reading the report simply because my last scan in may only named a few possible places of bone mets. This report named so many in my spine, ribs, hips and pelvis areas that I can't even remember them. Strangely, however, I've got such a sense of peace about all of this. I want healing and pray for it every day. I believe, however, that ultimately this is all in God's hands. And I've received a chance in my current (admittedly doped up on painkillers) state to REALLY look around at what is so precious in my life. I've got a fantastic group of friends that are always there for me and who truly round out my life in a way I did not have before all this crap started 2 years ago. I've been able to see who is really important to me. And my kids are incredible. I cuddled with them last night and, instead of thinking about all the things I needed to be doing at that moment, I could actually appreciate the depth of my love for them and their love for me. And of course, my husband and soul mate. We've always been able to communicate well, enjoy each others company, and to live together peacefully. But now, the rest of the riff/raff of life can be shaken away and we understand how important it is just to be together. Even on a normal Tuesday evening. THIS is what really matters. Not my health and not cancer; not money and big houses; not travel and fine dining; not even work.

I'm not hormonal now (I don't think I can be). But I think to myself.... what a wonderful world. Go look at the flowers today. Notice the stars in the sky tonight. Kiss your loved ones. Things can change in an instant. Carpe diem.